Aimee Schiefelbein, Seattle Counselor
People experience body shame in complex ways. It can creep up with little awareness on our part and before we know it, we are caught in it. How do you begin to recognize when this is happening?
One of the challenges to understanding how you are being impacted by body shame are the competing and conflicting social-community expectations. For example, on the one hand, there is a growing movement of body positive and acceptance messages across social media. This can lead one to feel empowered and supported. On the other hand, it's hard to not take on the opposing expectations about how our body should look or work from trusted others-family, friends, and even professionals. All of these messages understandably lead people to question how to view themselves and perhaps vacillate between self-acceptance and shame.
Recognizing when shame is happening can increase your choice and power around how to respond. In order to begin to recognize shame we first need to be conscious that it's happening. Spend some time thinking about the following. Sometimes, writing it down can help.
Understand where you feel shame physically in your body. Often our body provides a reaction long before we have words for our experience. Knowing the signs can be used to take a break from the situation that led to shame and feel our feelings in a place that is safe. Don't worry if at first you don't recognize where you feel it. This is a process that takes time to identify. Just begin to develop a list of descriptors (i.e. hanging your head and making your body small, tears welling up, lump in the throat).
It's a good idea to develop a list of triggers or situations/words that may set off shame. This can raise your awareness around your vulnerabilities. Ask yourself the following questions:
· How do I want to be perceived (i.e. as healthy, fit and thin)?
· Then ask yourself, how do I not want to be perceived (i.e. unhealthy, too fat, too thin)?
When you believe your perception of how you want to be seen is threatened by how you don't want to be seen, this can bring up feelings of shame. You will be more likely to recognize it if you know it before it occurs.
Shame can produce feelings of fear, anger, blame, and a physical need to hide. The predicament with shame is that it often leads people to not want to talk about it. (Or shame leads us to withdraw from others and even from ourselves.) We don't want to reveal when we feel vulnerable in our body. Such vulnerability can lead to various responses, including, withdrawing and disconnecting from others, pleasing others, blaming and even secretly working against our own interests. In my practice as a counselor, I've heard many stories of people not playing a sport they've dreamed of for fear of how they will look while engaging in the sport. Or their fears prevent them from enjoying a dessert in front of others only to go home and binge in secret. It's natural to want to hide and not share our vulnerabilities, and often times for good reason. That said, working toward connection and community with others and recognizing we all have struggles with shame is perhaps one of the biggest shame healers. All of this takes courage, persistence, and support.
Aimee Schiefelbein, M.A., LMHC is a Counselor in Seattle, Washington who respects and celebrates all bodies. Contact her here to learn more about counseling services.